Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize