how can u be prego again
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
