My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
