i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
