Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
