I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize