Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
