I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize