just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
