I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize