I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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