If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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