Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
