Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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