did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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