bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
My penis needs a shock collar
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
