I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I need a beard to bite.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
