It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Holy sore nipples Batman
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
