So drunk, too bad you don't want this
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
