remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
