i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Randomize
