I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
