Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
