Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
