Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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