Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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