I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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