I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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