I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
