Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
lol hangovers are for mortals.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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