she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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