Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
