You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize