According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
