sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
