I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
