Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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