Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
He did a backflip because drugs
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
