True but thats because hes a fetus.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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