We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
