we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
