1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Randomize
