Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
