Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
