I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
