What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
