Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
