My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
We need to feng shui this bitch.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
