six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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