I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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