I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
My boob is missing a layer of skin
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
