Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
it's like heaven, but drunker
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
My penis needs a shock collar
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
