Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
