sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
