So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
