Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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