Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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