what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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