If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
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