Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
