DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize