I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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