Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
