Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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