In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
