is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Randomize
