just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
