I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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