Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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