did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize