I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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