My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize