"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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