i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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