my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
